I work in mental health and with a degree in Behavioral Science (concentration in sociology) and having attended numerous conferences on this sort of subject, I seem to feel I am at least somewhat knowledgeable on the subject. Therefore having self diagnosed myself as co-dependent many years ago, I decided to look up some information on the subject and WOW! I didn't know I was a villain.
I try to be open minded. I try to step outside of myself and scrutinize my behavior to better myself. I try to take a common sense approach at solving my problems even if I feel overwhelmed at times. I understand the background of why I am the way I am and it makes perfect sense to me. I don't enjoy playing the "woe is me, I was abused as a child" card but....
I was the youngest of two children, my brother being five years older than myself. My dad has never been an affectionate person and for as long as I can remember he has always been a very grouchy, well... JERK. I love him because he's my dad, but if it wasn't for that I probably wouldn't even much like the man. My mom is a complex personality. On the outside she is a very sweet and caring person who is fun to be around, but behind closed doors it was different. Before I divulge much more I must make amends for mom. She grew up the oldest of three children as an "army brat". Her father was an alcoholic asshole who would at times wake her up just to curse her and beat on her during one of his drunken episodes. I believe this caused her to be unable to work through her frustrations in a healthy way and she also began to be an abusive parent.
Looking back, I believe that due to the lack of affection, along with my father's demanding and unappreciative attitude towards her, that my mother was unhappy with her life. I tend to think that she was so unhappy that any reason to lash out at me, she took. I'm not saying I was a perfect child but I don't feel I was unruly either. I grew up being terrified of my mother. At 6 feet and 2 inches and being of large frame, she had a very dominating presence. I actually was probably considered somewhat of a "geek" because I would not participate in other activities with the "in crowd" for fear of my mother.
Whenever my mother would become angry with me she would usually hit me with whatever was nearest, whether it was a vacuum hose, a clothes hanger, fist or at times kicking me. On one occasion she even pushed me down our steep flight of stairs resulting in a hairline fracture in my left arm that never healed correctly (still to this day it hurts me if I move it a certain way). If I tried to speak up she would hit harder and I learned to just keep my thoughts to myself. On the flip side my mother also loved me very dearly. She could be so sweet to me. One of my favorite things was when she would allow me to lay beside her and she would play with my hair. I enjoyed watching old movies with her, coloring, baking and she took me shopping frequently buying me whatever I mentioned I liked. In some ways I was spoiled and not wanting for much, except my mother's approval and love.
I'm sure my mother loves me and always has. I am sure I annoyed her as my daughter does me at times. However, I did not meet my mother's expectations. I was always studious and made above average grades. I however lacked self esteem and worried too much about what others thought of me. I was timid around people and although I had many friends, I was not what my mom would consider popular. It seemed like she was always concerned about wanting me to be popular. She wanted me to be a cheerleader, I played basketball instead. She wanted me to hang out with a girl that had always treated me poorly (but she was one of the most popular kids in school), instead I was stuck like glue to a underprivileged classmate that my mother did not like and always let me know it.
So looking back at all of that, it goes to reason that I would be a timid person who lacks self esteem and worries too much about what others think of me. I go out of my way to make others happy, so I feel a sense of worth. Sometimes I play in my head the things I would like to say to those that tend to use me as a doormat, but I'm forever worried I will make the person angry. If that happens, I will lose them. So in turn I go out of my way to meet their every need (even if it means I will go without) and make them happy. I feel this is one way to make sure I never lose this person that I love.
I truly believe it is a cycle of dysfunction. I never speak up when I feel I'm being used and I continue to do whatever is expected of me. I truly believe the saying "People only treat us the way we allow them to" and I have allowed others to behave this way towards me. I just don't know how to stop it. How do you change what you have been for 36 years? How do you change the way you are without pushing away those that are in your life?
For these reasons, I went on a "google search" about co-dependency and ways to help myself change my behavior. I was in shock on how people who are co-dependent are portrayed. I feel villainized! Perception of the co-dependent, who only does for others as a way to bring attention to themselves so they will be the "victim" or "martyr". Now, I know I'm not perfect and I realize the reason I go out of my way for others is also somewhat selfish, as I want to feel needed and loved. However, the articles I found were relentless in the portrayal of the co-dependent person. As someone who already has a very low self esteem... I have to say reading these "self help" articles did the exact opposite of trying to encourage me in being a better me.
NOW, if you made it through all of that kudos to you. I apologize for the rambling and being all over the place. I also apologize for punctuation mistakes (I tried my best). However, typing all of this out was mostly for my own benefit as a way to get my feelings out. Oh I'm sorry, there I go again being a SELFISH co-dependent.
You are no villain. I wouldnt consider you selfish either. In fact you are typically pretty unselfish. Maybe you don't fit the diagnosis completely?
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